Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Question : I have been in friendship with my present best friend for four years now.

 She was so good and a very helpful when I had a problem. Everybody deserted me but she stood by my side all through the hard times. Presently, I have gotten a good job and am at the same time studying in the college some distance from her. When I inquired if she desires to pay me a visit or come down to live with me, she didn’t show any interest. I think that I am progressing while she isn’t. What possibly can I do to get her to change her mind and come with me?

Your friend is very good. She probably rendered you help without strings attached. She just has a good heart and not many like her could be found. You must be worried that she refused to move with you. Well, she has her own life to live as well. All you could do is to maintain contact with her. You can either email, phone or write her through snail mail on a regular basis. Let her know how grateful you are for the help she rendered to you and show her that you care. Remember to keep contact with her especially during her birthdays and other special days like Christmas. She may finally decide to join you. If she doesn’t, take it as facts of life and if you meet somewhere in future, it would be nice to share happy memory together. Who knows, your friendship then will become much deeper and sweeter.

You can visit the site below for more help but do not hesitate to write back if you feel the need. http://www.therelationshipgym.com/


Dear Agony Aunt,

I am 13 years of age. I lost my mom not long ago. I feel so much pain due to the loss of my mom. The whole situation is currently making it very difficult for me to get organized and follow my normal daily and life routine. The climax now is that it is beginning to affect my concentration and performance in the school. If you could offer me any assistance, please don’t hesitate. I am in so much need of help and advice. Chuks.


Dear Chuks,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're still stressed over the loss of your mum. It's evident that you loved her a lot and so it's not shocking to hear that you're still finding it difficult to cope. The fact of life is that the nearer you are to somebody, the more difficult losing them can be. There's no painless approach to deal with this type of loss, especially when it has to do with someone you truly and deeply love and more so at this very tender age of yours but bravo for opening up a conversation to share how you feel. I am aware that it is not easy to deal with, is it?

The next thing I would like to say to you is that there's nothing wrong to feel bad and weighed down when we lose someone we love. Also, there's no right or wrong length of time to mourn for our loved ones. You'll possibly at all times feel a bit miserable when you reflect about your dead mum, and that's simply natural, but the deep sadness you're feeling at present will almost certainly fade away gradually and as time goes by, I assure you.  It's essential to let you know now that when it happens that it does not mean you love your mum any less, it just means you've discovered ways to manage with and cope with your loss. So, I expect that some of these proposals will assist you to handle, manage and cope with some of your miserable feelings.

My dear Chuks, you are just very young to handle such stress by yourself alone. I certainly think you ought to find a way to talk to someone about how the death of your mum has left you miserable. It will be a good idea to talk to a close family relation if you have one but if you're concerned about hurting the feelings of other members of the family, you could talk to someone outside of your family. Your teacher, a youth worker, a school counselor, or any other adult you trust and are confident to speak to can be able to walk with you through your difficult times till such a time you will feel better adapted to cope with your loss.
The common thing that happens when we lose someone is that we can’t think that there is no point to go on with life, we get disappointed and find it difficult to find happiness and fulfillment in life as you would normally have without the lost. When you find yourself in a situation like this, it is very helpful and encouraging to speak to experts who deal with helping people with sorrow and anguish. There are many of such organizations but I would give you two which I really think are among the top good ones that assist young people like you with advice. It will be great help for you to contact them.

The two organizations also truly have cooperative, supportive and interactive sections where you can ask questions plus read about how other adolescents have managed with the loss of someone dear to them. To go to these sites, follow the links bellow:

You may also find www.griefnet.org helpful. It is a website designed to offer some help to those who are grieving.

The next important thing you need to know about the loss of your loved ones is that it is helpful to be free to allow your emotion to run freely. Don’t stifle your emotion. If you feel like crying, do cry it out and don’t resist it. It could be dangerous to try to do so. You could also find somebody you confide it for help and support. If you didn’t feel like crying but feels a strong emotion of anger, look for a way to get your anger released. You can do this by engaging yourself in some physical activities. Ability to express your emotions, as they come, helps you to better cope on the long run. This means that instead of letting the emotions to be choked inside of you and cause more harm and injury to your psychological and physical well being, you would have had them released which means a better health for you.

I hope you'll endeavor to put some of these suggestions into practice, Chuks, and I actually look forward to things starting to get a bit easier for you soon. Please do not hesitate to email us again in future if you fancy more advice, help and support. We will be here for you. Our happiness is to see that things are better for you. Your joy and peace is of optimum importance to us. Take heart and take care.


I began seeing a chap and have never felt so bodily and emotionally associated to any person. Conversely, he said he only treasured me as a friend but was beyond doubt in love with his girl friend before me. Because of this he left me and when I got in contact with him a week after, he said that he stumbled upon his ex girl friend that same day he left me and declared his love, but his ex girl friend only wanted to relate with him as a friend. At present, what am I supposed to do? Shall I to agree to have him back in my life? I’m still deeply in love with him.


It is a difficult scenario here. You are in love with someone who doesn’t love you as much. He is in love with somebody who doesn’t want to love him as much. Just be cautious and play safely. His ex- just want to remain friend with him but it may happen that that change later to his favor which would mean that he will drop you off again. It could also happen that on the long run he may fall deeply in love with you, so how can you be sure! The wisest thing is to play safe and cautious to avoid a bigger emotional wound later.


QUESTION : I am 25 years of age and my newly married husband is 50 years.

Both of us are getting married for the second time. His family and friends are envious that he is married to a younger woman and talk about his ex-girlfriends before me, trying to insinuate a fight. My husband says that they are only chitchat, but it upsets me since I love him.


My dear, you’ve got to handle the situation bravely. It is none of their business if you both have decided to get married irrespective of the age gap. What matters is that there is genuine love between you both. Do not give them room to fight. Ignore them and what they do or say. Concentrate on your husband and what you both want for yourself. Pretend not to be affected by what they say and when they notice that you seem no perturbed and moved by their statements, they will quit it. If you have a sympathetic and understanding woman outside the family, it might help to confide in her. Endeavor not to engage into quarrel or argument with your husband as a result of what they say. They will be happy to see that. What more do they want if not to get you both separated!

Question : My boyfriend was diagnosed with depression.

My boyfriend was diagnosed with depression. When we are on our own, he is lovely but in the midst of his friends he usually ignores me. If I grumble, they take his side. He doesn’t seem to notice how offended I get and doesn’t secure our relationship. Some of his friends said that they don’t see our relationship lasting and enduring. I am worried that their remarks could annihilate what we have labored to put together.


Clinical depression puts an unwarranted social shame on those who suffer from it. It looks like your friend is worried about his friends’ disapproval if he displays any emotion, passion or dependency, together with affection for you. Try to talk to him when you both are alone and in a calm tone. Tell him how proud you are of the relationship and how you love to be with him. Also let him know you’d like to show off your intimacy and united pride about the relationship to others especially in the presence of his friends. Try to boost his confidence and let him know that even though he has been diagnosed with depression, it does not mean that he should feel shame or embarrassed about the relationship.

QUESTION : I am almost 20 years of age but my family takes care of me like a baby!


I am almost 20 years of age but my family takes care of me like a baby!

I’m the last born in my family and my parents still pampers and treats me as a baby.  They don’t allow me to take verdicts or communicate my opinions. My sister says they don’t wish to allow me to take decisions or express opinions because they feel old when they do. I had reason to be away from home two years ago, but when my mom got to know that I was going to stay with my boyfriend, she inquired if  I would love to discuss about contraception!


Your sister did not mince or chop up word. She actually hit the nail on the head. Your parents may feel strange about their age and as well hasn’t come to terms with letting you move on to the next stage of your life. They feel somewhat awful about losing their parental control over you. Just try to feel for them and try to treat them with patience. When you are able to do that, it is also a sign that you are matured. One thing you must remember is that you will always be their child. Your attitudes and behaviors will help them to realized and better accept the fact that you are now a grown up and no longer their babysit child. Then; they will have no option than to let you manage your social life independent of them.

Question : My ex boyfriend is unwilling to leave me alone

My ex boyfriend is unwilling to leave me alone. We separated after about a year of relationships because then I began feeling less love for him. I explained to him that I no longer feel attracted to him. After a month of the break of the relationship, he still phones me to ask for the reason. I have some of my properties in his house but I would rather not face the trouble of having them back. What will I do to stop him from harassing me?


Did you tell him why, when you break up with him? If not, I think it is the right time for you to do it. Put it into writings but remember to be polite. Tell him that you appreciate the 1 year that you have spent together but that at this point you are not ready yet for a commitment and that you want to have private time to really think about your life and want you want to do and be. Try not to promise him to be just friends at the moment because things may escalate. Send him your good wishes. Forfeiting those things you have in his house will be a good idea.

QUESTION : I am not happy with my weight

I am 23 years of age. I imagine I am disgustingly thin. It’s extremely hard to hit upon clothes that fit my shape let alone appear nice. I make efforts to eat healthy and sound but because I do shift work, sometimes I find it very tasking to keep to the routine. My doctor says that I am ok and physically fit, but I’m miserable and unhappy.


Oh dear, you are definitely obsessed about weight. I would be more concerned if the doctor says that your weight is unhealthy. What it means is that you may have underlying personal issues that may not be tied down to just weight. Your shift work which you blame for not eating well may probably not be your problem. Try to search your mind to know exactly what bothers you. How is your social life? Is it in any way affected due to your petite size? You definitely need to do a more thorough work. Contacting a psychologist or a counselor might be a good idea.

Thursday, 28 February 2013

QUESTION: I met a guy and we started dating.

I met a guy and we started dating. It was unknown to me that he is already married with two children when we started dating. It was not long he told me but guess how I felt, very distraught, but he said that he and his wife rarely have sexual fun or have any discussion. That was why he looked for love outside. What shall I do at this point?

What you do is up to you. I think that your friend is unfair both to you and his wife. If he is not talking with the wife or having sex with her, the first thing he would have done is sort out what the problem was with her. And if he thinks he could no longer cope, he could go for a divorce and make his relationship with you open. Well on your own part you entered into the relationship without knowing that he is married. Now, you have known, it is best to proceed with caution. It is going to be painful to call it a quit but take care that he don’t in future leave you secretly for another woman just like he did to his wife.

I met a guy last year after splitting from my partner. Incidentally, he too got separated from his partner. I made a vow not to give in to feelings this time again but now poor me I am falling into the snare again. I fall for his sweet smile and great body. I keep struggling with my emotions and saying to myself, “Oh girl we are just friends” Not sure I actually know what I want, Ma, please I need your help!

As a woman you need to think twice before entering into a relationship ‘just for sex’. What this means is that you don’t have a long-standing plans to be together, you don’t go out jointly in public, and that you are giving him room to fall in love with another woman. Your emotions can burn fervently and in fact go wild irrespective of the decision not to let it happen. That’s definitely what is happening to you. There is no harm at this point to make the intention of making the relationship become more long lasting and intimate by asking him out sometimes instead of just sticking to the bedroom if you feel the need. Try some outdoor entertainments together but if he resents to those, you’d better call in a quit; he may be using you just as a sex machine. 

Question: Relation problem,Please Help Me !!!

I came from a very conformist family. My family does not encourage relationship at all even when I am 19 years. For the past two years, I have been away from home. During this period I began having a relationship with a guy. We have been in relationship for one and a half year now. Ever since I began my University Education, my parents have constantly inquired about this my boy friend. Even though I am still in relationship with him, I have denied on many occasions that there is no more any relationship between us because I know what it will result if I tell them. My parents have currently moved closer to my University and my mom has asked me the same question. I made up my mind to stop lying and told her the truth. Then again, she showed a strong disapproval and wouldn’t even allow me to see him. She mentioned to me that if I insist on dating him, that she is backing off and it should be my total problem and concern and not hers. She rather insisted that I should break up with my boy friend for one year to give me chance to really see how things are and where I am. I am confused, what do I do? Please any advice would be highly appreciated.

Subdued Student

Dear Stifled Student,

It all depends on the custom of your area and what is generally accepted in your area. In some places, a girl of 18 is already independent of her parents and is even legally ripe for marriage. If such is what is obtained in your area, then I don’t think you need to succumb to your mother’s instructions to postpone your relationships for a year. But it is understandable if your mother feels a bit awful about losing control over you. If you are living with your boyfriend and are in your own apartment and do not depend on her for food and other things, then it is up to you to decide whether you want to live a matured and independent life or remain a baby.
It might help to remind your mum that you are of age to live independently when next she mentions it.  Do this though with respect. That may make her realize that she is standing in your way to full and mature adulthood plus make her to begin to respect your autonomy.
Hope you find this comforting!

I have a personal problem,Help please!!!

Dear Agony Aunt,

I haven’t shared this kind of thing with anybody before. I don’t even know how to explain myself well but I will try to give all the details that would help you to understand me very well.

I met one man a couple of years ago. We really got into very deep and intimate relationship like what one would normally see in the movies. I factually hadn’t any true love for him but just hated him. I had a feeling that he too hated me but I was wrong, he recently mentioned that he didn’t. Nonetheless, we turned out to be friends recently.  We have indeed become really close friends. I have as well developed very deep feelings for him but in actual fact I really do not want to get that close to him. I don’t want to fall for him. This is because I don’t want a situation where he will fail to return my love back.

My friends are of the opinion that he likes me but I don’t think so. He always talks about a girl he likes. I have been disturbed about it and have so much wished to know and meet the so called girl. Sometimes, I wish the girl he is speaking about is me. At other times, I wish that nothing should happen that will terminate our friendship. I am finding it difficult to really take my stand about him .What I am talking about is that it is very clear that I love him, but I want to let go of those feelings. I want to discover who the girl is and these feelings are driving me mad. I am very much in need of help and assistance.

I will appreciate it very much. Please reply as soon as you can.

Confused Love

Dear Confused love,

I’m sorry that you are facing a great emotional challenge at this time. What you explained is normal. Most relationships that began on a just a mere friendship ground end up with deep feelings and emotions. I think it is best rather than guessing who this girl he likes is, you could find a way to inquire from him who this girl he adores is. It may well be you and he doesn’t yet want to be explicit about that. You may be surprised that he may be referring to you. Though it may be difficult to ask but it puts you in a better position of knowing exactly where you stand with him. I must however congratulate you on your attitude towards him. It shows that you are in control of your feelings. Your attitude: if he likes you, it’s good; if he doesn't, your friendship will remain undamaged is a great one. Not many girls will. So, try to pull out some reply from him about what she's like.  But if his ideal girl is not you, then take heart!  All hope is not lost, you will most likely find a man who will fall for you and who you too will admire greatly for a more intimate relationship.

Good luck!

Saturday, 16 February 2013

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